Rise of the Machines

This week Centrelinked picked up one of Mint Custard's biggest fears - the destruction of mankind by robots - and ran with it, albeit with an awkward clanky gait and certainly not up any stairs. 45 minutes of airtime were devoted to automated android propaganda. This is what they played:


Robot Rock - Daft Punk
Robot - Futureheads
Do The Robot - The Saints
Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
Robots (the Humans are Dead) - Flight of the Conchords
We're in Business - Andrew Thompson
Robot Song - Kenickie
One Robot - Rocket Science
Robot Man - the Aliens
I am a Robot - Rhys Muldoon
Astro Boy Theme
The Robots - Kraftwerk


Centrelinked - Saturday mornings from 11am (Melbourne time) on 98.9 North West FM (northwestfm.org)

Next week's theme - dirty little Secret - Feel free to join in using @mintcustard or @northwestfmmelb and #centrelinked

Return of the Robots

It's been a while since we had a report back on the ongoing war between war and machine, oft reported on these pages as Robots are Going to Kill Us All. I'm not sure if this is because they've upped their camouflage game or I've just not been paying attention. Thankfully our international reporter Mr Flange is still on the case. Over to him for this report from London Village...

After taking the tube for years I was horrified to discover I have been being watched this whole time by robot koalas. I hope you appreciate that I missed my stop and added 20 minutes on to my journey home in order to capture this picture for you. Apologies for low quality.

Mr Flange, it may be low quality resolution but that's high quality evil-robot-cute-furry animal spy hybrid spotting. Your diligence may have just saved mankind one more day in charge before the inevitable techno-apocalypse. Mint Custard salutes you.

Technology 1 Humans 2

Mayans may have predicted 2012 for the end of the world but the apocalyptic war between man and machine is already well advanced. These are already dark times; how else to explain this sight of wanton destruction which greeted me in a Northcote car park just this week?


Yes, it’s a handsome and highly desirable wood-effect trouser press – a Corby no less - ripped asunder and left on the pavement like trash. Slain for what? Because it was a machine? Because it wanted to help folks look nicer? Because we can’t all learn to get along and live in harmony?



Clearly the aggressors were people with no soul; no respect for form or beauty or a perfectly straight bifurcated garment. Either that or Alan Partridge was in town and a bit bored. Whatever the reason, there are things that are just wrong. This is one of those times…

Still, there are evil robots out there – Mint Custard regulars know this all too well - and some do have to be brought down. Like this so-called-boiler robot – sneaking into people’s airing cupboards, messing around with their water so that no matter how gently they adjust the shower temperature controls it’s either too roasty burny hot or sticky-out nipply ice cold. For that alone I’m glad that someone took this fucker out and left it to rot on the wastelands.

So in summary… come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, and try to love one another right now (unless they’re an evil water-adjusting mechanical psycho-shower hose beast).

Amphibirobot Alert

The thing with secret robot army invasions is you never know where they'll attack next. Take this seemingly innocent water cooler spotted in Geelong last week...

You say refreshing hydration centre for thirsty students...

... I say mono-eared cheeky faced winking mechanoid assassin.

Stay vigilant. Sleep on the left side; keep your sword arm free.

Now I Know my ABC...

I’m not as much of a Luddite as some but I must admit I find it hard to embrace Google’s now default predictive search function. The ‘helpful suggestions’ it makes as soon as I start typing into the little box do nothing to help me keep up the delusion my searches are interesting and unique and not what several million other people are looking for at the same time. It’s also slightly creepy to see some of the things that I’m a mere slip of a lazy typing finger from bringing to my screen.

I noticed today that this function leaps into action even after one letter is typed, which got me interested as to what it brings up first for each letter of the alphabet. Unless being top of the list is something you have to pay for I’m assuming the results reflect the most popular searches by Australians right now (I was using google.com.au).

For your distraction I’ve listed all the default words below. For anyone not au fait with the Australian way of life I’ve added a guide so you can see what it is people here mean when they say they still haven’t found what they’re looking for…

A - ANZ (a big Australian and New Zealand bank)
B - BoM (Bureau of Meteorology, for well-informed inane chats about the weather)
C - Commonwealth Bank (another big Australian bank)
D - Dictionary (for spelling things)
E - Ebay (for selling things)
F - Facebook (for wasting time)
G - Gmail (for people too old for Facebook)
H - Hotmail (for people too old for Gmail)
I – i-tunes (for people who actually pay for music)
J - Jetstar (Qantas’ budget airline. Fondly referred to in our house as Shitstar)
K - Kmart (shop for cheap crap and feel slightly dirty)
L - Limewire (for people who don’t pay for music)
M - Myspace (for wasting time if you are in a band)
N - Ninemsn (to the internet what Channel 9 is to quality television)
O - Optus (penguin-exploiting Australian telco)
P - Poptropica (“a virtual world for kids to travel, play games, compete in head-to-head competition, and communicate safely” apparently)
Q - Qantas (Shitstar’s older, dowdier parent)
R - Real Estate (‘crack smoking, fudge packing, satan worshippin motherfuckers’)
S - Seek (“I’m looking for another job to hate”)
T - Ticketek (‘transaction chargin’ kitty pettin, baby kissin corporate rock whores’)
U - Utorrent (for people who don’t want to pay for anything)
V - Virgin Blue (Branson does Shitstar, with better advertising)
W - White Pages (for people who haven’t heard of Google)
X - Xe (see how much money you don’t have in another currency)
Y - You Tube (where weirdos of the world congregate to swear and spell badly)
Z - Zoo Weekly (another big Australian wank)

Robots who are Humans who are Robots

There has been a paucity of robot sightings these past few months, and to be honest I’ve kinda missed them. Sure most of them may hell-bent on bringing about the total annihilation of mankind, but some of them have embraced their inner Wall-E and are working hard to forge improved techno-human relations.

South Korea recently announced the development of a walking robot maid called Mahru-Z which “can turn on microwave ovens, washing machines and toasters, and also pick up sandwiches, cups and whatever else it senses as objects." Apparently Neil Young has just ordered himself one, noting that Mahru-Z fulfills his 40 year old dream of someone to ‘keep my house clean, fix my meals and go away …’

Meanwhile in Las Vegas (naturally) a whole new window of human-mechanoid opportunity has been opened with the unveiling of the enigmatically named Roxxxy the Sex Robot. Five foot seven tall and programmed with five personalities (from ‘Wild Wendy’ to the charmingly coy ‘Frigid Farrah’) Roxxxy ‘has a full C cup and is ready for action.’ Unlike Mahru-Z, this anatomically-correct automaton ‘can't vacuum and she can't cook but she can do almost anything else’ said her creator (presumably followed by ‘nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.’)

Apart from the sad fact that there is probably a market for Roxxxy, the most bizarre thing about her is that was inspired by the death of her creator’s friend in the World Trade Centre attacks… a male friend… ‘I had a friend who passed away in 9/11. I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy…’ I’m sure he’d be very proud to know that his legacy was being humped in every available orifice by sweaty, sexually inadequate, socially repressed cyber-nerds. Any ladies or gay nerds who feel they’re missing out on opportunities to shag inanimate objects shouldn’t fret. A male robot named Rocky is in the pipeline.

Five years out from seeing how true Back to the Future II was it’s nice to see robot technology getting us ever closer to the retrofuture that we’ve been waiting for. In the meantime here are a couple of robot sightings to remind you that the future is already closer than you think.

Surprised chap in Smith Street, Collingwood...

...and his sister, looking shifty in Fairfield

"A friend's shower, Auckland"
(with thanks to our roving robot reporter, Mr Flange)

We Seem To Be Made To Suffer

I haven’t seen any new robots around Melbourne for a while but I was quite touched last night by the tragic tale of Cheesoid, Mitchell and Webb’s ‘robot that smells.’ If you haven’t seen it yet I’d heartily recommend a few minutes here on You Tube. I take my hat off to them for a story that starts off so cheerfully and yet descends so quickly into Frankenstein-esque existentialist horror. And for bringing together robots and cheese in the name of comedy and pathos (‘Why Cheesoid exist...? Cheesoid hate self…’)

'Petril'

Naturally enough Cheesoid got me thinking about other famous comedy robots, so here’s a list of some of my other favourites, starting with (might as well get him out of the way):

Marvin the Paranoid Android (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) The original and best, Marvin is the Robfather – the don of all crap but lovable robots. He epitomises anthropomorphised boxes-painted silver, covered in crappy LEDs and old oven knobs and bestowed with a voices that are highly unlikely for machines meant to make human life better.

Of course Marvin had life through the Hitchhikers books and radio series long before he first appeared on telly, so its his droning, moaning voice that is his most recognisable and endearing feature (‘The first ten million years were the worst, and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.’)

This is just as well because I’m sure if Marvin could have seen the lame-arsed job the BBC props department did with his physical incarnation he would really have had something to moan about. Still, he now has a whole BBC mini-site dedicated to him, which might have made him smile somewhere inside. Maybe.



Talkie Toaster (Red Dwarf) Naturally enough for a show set in the future, cargo vessel the Red Dwarf has more than its fair share of inhabitants with artificial intelligence. This seems to balance out the lack of natural intelligence shown by Lister, Rimmer and the Cat. ‘Service Mechanoid’ Kryten and ship’s computer Holly are the most celebrated, but they are a little too developed for this particular list. Elsewhere there are the Skutters, wandering about the enormous ship undertaking menial cleaning tasks, insulting Rimmer with the middle digit of their three-pronged claws and renacting key scenes from their favourite John Wayne movies.

And yet of all the artificial lifeforms on Red Dwarf, none tickles me more than the Talkie Toaster. Like the best robots he has just one mission (I toast therefore I am) and goes to great lengths to make sure that he carries out his directive. To tell you more would be to spoil his joys, so I suggest just watching his finest moment, trying to persuade a disinterested Lister to partake in some warmed-up bread products.



Alternatively you can look at attempts by real people with real jobs to make a real Talkie Toaster by clicking here.

Dylan (Vic Reeves Big Night Out) It’s interesting how much sympathy can be engendered by a plastic flip-top bin on wheels with flashing lights, deely-bopper eyes and a computerised Middlesbrough accent, but I still feel sad about poor Dylan. When he first rolled onto the Big Night Out stage as the cheery ‘special friend’ of Les, Vic Reves’ silent and oft-abused sidekick, who could have known the sorry existence he would have to endure.

Constantly berated by Vic as Les’ ‘sycophantic little robot’ Dylan responds to Vic’s ongoing cruelty to him and Les with a camp and indignant “ooh you bugger!” Despite his loyalty to Les, he eventually dies an ignominious death at the hands of a 'quite riled' Mr Dennis (a newsagent who doesn’t stock Curly Wurleys because they are far too elaborate). His appearances were fleeting so I’m not sure why Dylan’s memory has stayed with me all these years (apart from saying ‘ooh, you bugger’ makes me laugh) but I’m glad to have the opportunity to commemorate his short-lived life.

Ooh, you bugger!

Medibot (Look Around You) Medibot is the future of medical science according to the Tomorrow’s World-parodying 1979-tastic vision of the world that is Look Around You. Despite resembling a cake tin attached to a police filing cabinet he is able to perform any number of complex surgeries with only minimal assistance from his friend and keeper, Dr Franklin Fu.



His only reward is a serving of his much beloved hundreds and thousands (sugar sprinkles for all you Australians and North Americans out there) which Dr Fu pops in his mouth after a gruelling day at the surgeon’s table. Medibot’s vocabulary may be limited (Meh-di-bhot!) but he makes up with his jaunty style on the mouth organ. Until Cheesoid, Medibot was my favourite 21st century comedy robot. Now they’ll just have to share. Meh-di-bhot!



MaxiPower (the League of Gentlemen): More Transformer than pure robot, MaxiPower is a crime fighting G-reg Fiat Uno whose ride has been well and truly pimped by idiot-savant Neds to impress his young mate Tristan. Although possessed with a slightly larger dictionary than Medibot (“Hello Neds, let’s solve some crime”) she is generally a bit crap, though she does play the Knight Rider theme quite well. For a while.



Her one and only mission (to stop 'some lads who are going to rob some fags from the cash and carry and sell them to their mates at the power station') ends in disaster when Neds reveals that he wasn’t able to find Tristan’s requested machine gun but has fitted a can of silly string and an ejecting box of paper clips (‘It’s meant to be drawing pins but Mrs Ridley’s ran out…’ explains Neds). Tristan’s doomed ‘aw, fook’ as the flames rise around them is worth your admission price alone.

Honourable Mentions

Smash Robots – more robot/food interfacing with cocky Martian robots mocking the stupidity of humans for eating real potatoes. English humans, to be fair.

Techno Trousers (Wallace and Gromit in The Wrong Trousers, 1993) Mechanised remote control pants plus evil penguin plus Peter Sallis equals ace. You do the maths. (‘It’s the wrong trousers Gromit! And they’ve gone wrong!’)

Twiki (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century) ‘bidi-bidi-bidi’

Metal Mickey – ‘boogie-boogie-boogie’

Tim Brooke-Taylor’s Golden Ticket-seeking computer (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) “I am now telling the computer exactly what it can do with a lifetime’s supply of chocolate”

Robot Wars: Help is at Hand

Time for another update on the impending armageddon which will result from the ongoing war between man and machine. Huge Custardy-thanks to Mr Flange of No Fixed Abode who documented this robot sighting at the entrance to a Melbourne train station last week.

Mr Flange also kindly alerted me to the existence of an educational tome entitled How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion by Daniel H Wilson. In this book you will find the answers to common questions such as how do you spot a robot mimicking a human, how to recognize and deactivate a rebel servant robot and how do you evade a swarm of marauding robotic flies? I know these dilemmas keep me awake at night.

The book offers excellent tips such as 'carry around a pair of welder's goggles, as lasers will likely be robot attackers' weapons of choice, and even a weak laser can cause blindness.' Equally 'if a two-legged android gives chase seek out a body of water, as most robots will sink in water or mud and fall through ice.' Sage advice indeed.

You can buy the learned Mr Wilson's book here. Whilst you're waiting for it to arrive (it may not - much of the postal system is automated these days and they're not going to take kindly to pro-human propaganda) remind yoursleves of mechanical madness in this short animation by Eric Joyner. People, not even our doughnuts are safe.

Robot Wars Update

Some of you will be aware that there is a war going on in these here streets of Melbourne between dark forces of destructive technology and the lovely lambs-frolicking-gaily-in-fields-and-supping-nectar-from-buttercups world of nature. Evil robots have infiltrated our homes and streets disguised as everyday items and are poised ready to attack mankind upon command from some higher and as yet unidentified source. Mint Custard continues to risk life and limb to report to you from the frontline of this bitter battle so that you might have a chance of escape if confronted by one of these devious technological demons. Forget Transformers - this is the real shit baby. First the good news...

Beady-eyed fiend in Melbourne CBD (as identified in April) is taken out - presumably by doe-eyed rabbits armed with plastic tape

Robot posing as snake is captured on St Kilda promenade and left in the stockades

Several robots combine to pass themselves off as a game of Mousetrap but are caught before they are able to infiltrate a child's christmas stocking.

And yet for every capture there is another sighting. These sly little buggers are still out there...

Tiny spy robot mimics nature crocodile-stylee on the bonnet of our car

Ahoy hoy - watch out for this nautical four-eyed uniped stalking tourists on St Kilda pier

Cyclops poses as small child outside Luna Park

If you see any more robots in disguise please take pictures and send them on so we can warn others. And for everyone else, remember - actual robot attack is relatively rare so please don't have nightmares. After all, most of them can't even climb stairs. Most of them...

Cute Robots of Death

Following my warning last month about an invasion of (possibly harmless yet probably) deadly robots on these shores, I can confirm another sighting.

Study the photographs below very closely. What appears to be a harmless and overgrown ivy-strewn verge is revealed to be the hiding place of a well-camouflaged mechanical killing machine. To make matters worse this technological terror is located outside of a school. Yes, they are now targeting our young.

Should you need further proof of this new wave of kiddie-focussed electronic horror, take a visit to the world of the Tweenbots. Incredibly cute. Dangerously manipulative. Next stop, Terminator-style Armageddon.

Never Trust Robots

In 2006 a wise and brave man called Andrew Johnson risked his life to expose the phenomenon of an evil robot invasion on Earth through the medium of song. He also made this short film, presumably so that deaf people would also be alerted to the threat. Andrew's advice was simple and clear - never trust robots. Even the cute ones.

People of the Southern hemisphere, I bring terrible news. The invasion we were warned about by Mr Johnson has reached our shores. Innocent people are going about their business: buying chips, eating chips, thinking about chips, and all the while little robot eyes are trained on us, plotting their next move. Like how to get our chips.

Whilst I lack the medium of song, dance and video with which to fight the robot menace, I do have a shitty camera on my phone, and whilst I have memory on my card I will document their invasion of our land so that you might know their faces and be alerted. Comrades - remember, some are cute, some are in disguise, but all of them are after your chips. Possibly. Never trust robots.

Christmas disguise, Brunswick Street, Fitzroy

One Eyed Jack, Wellington, New Zealand

Apartment Stalker, Prahran

Brilliant camouflaged but the cheesy grin gives him away, Melbourne City

Dusty, possibly deactivated (or out of batteries): Fairfield

Johnny Five is Alive, North Fitzroy

The Hideous Face of Technology Gone Evil, Sydney Big Day Out

If you see robots in our streets and would like to join the good fight of man versus machine, please don't hesitate to send in your pictures. Together we can make a difference.