Getting Animated

It’s pointless and stupid to complain about films that don’t get nominated for the Oscars… so obviously I’m going to do it anyway. But first I need some help. Can anyone who has seen all five of the films shortlisted for the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature (Secret of Kells, Coraline, Fantastic Mr Fox, Princess and the Frog, and Up) tell me if all of them are better than Mary and Max?

Obviously there are the usual elements of taste, studio clout and politics to navigate in order for a movie to get nominated for an Oscar, but I’d be truly surprised if all five nominated films are artistically, emotionally and comically superior to Adam Elliot’s genuinely touching and brilliantly rendered masterpiece. I doubt Princess and the Frog contains many suicide attempts.


In the end the award went to Pixar’s Up. Congratulations to them - it was fun and technically stunning in parts. Still for me Carl, Kevin, Dug and Russell felt too much like McHappy Meal toys waiting to happen. No matter how cute I think it would have been, it’s hard to imagine McDonald’s giving away little colour-free plastic figurines of poor lonely Mary Daisy Dinkle or podgy middle-aged Asperger’s sufferer Max Jerry Horowitz to over-stimulated munchkins to play with as they stuff burgers down their throats.

Still, everything has its place and, Melbourne being Melbourne, there is now an opportunity for children of all ages to celebrate the maudlin glory of Miss Dingle and Mr. Horowitz at the Australian Centre for the Moving Image (ACMI) in Federation Square.

Mary and Max: The Exhibition is a free event from 2 March - 6 June 2010. Visitors can check out plasticine character models, costumes, sketches, sets, storyboards and props up close, as well as footage of the animators at work. You can also design and submit your own plasticine folks as part of their Create a Character competition, with signed prints and DVDs up for grabs.

Given Adam Elliot’s loving recreation of 1970’s Melbourne in the movie it’s nice to see Melbourne give a little back, so for those who can get there, please do. Full details of the exhibition are available here.

For everyone else around the world, if you haven’t seen Mary and Max I urge you to do so. It’s a quite unique and lovely film with suitably understated voice performances by Toni Collette, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Eric Bana and Barry Humphries. That said, it’s so beautifully put together I reckon you could watch it with the sound off and it could still bring you to tears…

The Not-So-Grim Reaper

Whenever I'm gardening I'm always conscious of the wise teachings of that great philosopher, Neil the Hippy. Not just things like oh wow, heavy heavy heavy and you hate me don't you? but more we sow the seed, nature grows the seed, then we eat the seed.

Readers following my amateur gardening in 2009 would have seen that whilst sowing was undertaken with relish and childlike enthusiasm, nature tended to be less forthcoming on the growing bit. Whilst there was no famine, our feast was more Lilliputian than hoped. Perhaps this was penance for only taking up gardening based on drunken spite towards Jamie Oliver for pretending that he actually tends his own garden on Jamie at Home.

This year we seem to be reaping the rewards of the toil establishing the patch back at the start of summer, and from getting up ridiculously early on allocated watering days desperately trying to keep everything alive. The photos I posted in January contained nothing to suggest the magic that a Melbourne February was to deliver, especially not everything doubling in size in just four weeks.

Anyway, for those interested parties here are some pleasant summer garden photos to make you hungry and also maybe show you that literally any muppet can grown their own veggies.

the first of a thousand zucchinis...

a comically perfect beetroot, ready for illustration by Beatrix Potter

perhaps the most delicious corn I've ever tasted, still in it's hula skirt

some carrots... not as tasty as the corn but size wise greatly improved on last year (see embarrassing photographic evidence here)

vegie platter madame? eat your heart out Oliver...

Of course everyone loves gardening in early autumn because it's the one time when the garden gives back more than it takes. In the interests of balance I'll continue to provide updates through the year. We'll see how smug I am in the depths of winter... still for now I am the Lord of the Veg.

Who Reads Yesterday's Papers?

Bugger. Bugger bugger bugger. Bugger bugger bugger bugger bugger. Proving that even when you have one ear to the ground you're likely to miss something important flying overhead, I just found out about Isy Suttie's first ever Australian shows... back in January. Sydney-siders were apparently treated to several nights of her show Love Lost in the British Retail Industry at the Seymour Centre as part of Sydney Arts festival. Swines.

Given that I've been actively looking out for a sniff of an announcement regarding Isy and the Melbourne International Comedy Festival I'm not quite sure how I missed this, but hey, there you go. Maybe Sydney was trying to keep it a secret.

She's back in the UK now so for all you lucky folks round those parts here are some March dates (mostly in London Village and environs).

March 8 - Old Rope London and Enterprise Chalk Farm

March 9 - Fat Tuesdays Angel benefit and Wilmington Arms

March 10 - Josie Long (How to be a Better Person), Battersea Arts Centre

March 11 - Old Rope, Brighton

March 15 - Albany, Great Portland Street

March 16 - Domestic Goddi, Albany

March 17 - Paradise by Way of Kensal Green,

March 18 - Grub Bar East Grinstead,

March 20 - Monkey Business Camden,

March 22 - Happy Mondays, New Cross

March 24 - Bridport cinema

March 25 - Amnesty International benefit, New Inn, London

March 26 - Courtyard Theatre, Hereford

March 29 - Mirth Control, Wisbech

March 29 - Farnham Mirth Control

There's a full run down of activities beyond March on her Myspace site. Meanwhile for those who only know Isy from Peep Show here is a nice clip of her in action as part of the 2008 Edinburgh Festival... more please Isy. More please.

Technology 1 Humans 2

Mayans may have predicted 2012 for the end of the world but the apocalyptic war between man and machine is already well advanced. These are already dark times; how else to explain this sight of wanton destruction which greeted me in a Northcote car park just this week?


Yes, it’s a handsome and highly desirable wood-effect trouser press – a Corby no less - ripped asunder and left on the pavement like trash. Slain for what? Because it was a machine? Because it wanted to help folks look nicer? Because we can’t all learn to get along and live in harmony?



Clearly the aggressors were people with no soul; no respect for form or beauty or a perfectly straight bifurcated garment. Either that or Alan Partridge was in town and a bit bored. Whatever the reason, there are things that are just wrong. This is one of those times…

Still, there are evil robots out there – Mint Custard regulars know this all too well - and some do have to be brought down. Like this so-called-boiler robot – sneaking into people’s airing cupboards, messing around with their water so that no matter how gently they adjust the shower temperature controls it’s either too roasty burny hot or sticky-out nipply ice cold. For that alone I’m glad that someone took this fucker out and left it to rot on the wastelands.

So in summary… come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, and try to love one another right now (unless they’re an evil water-adjusting mechanical psycho-shower hose beast).

Daniel Kitson UK Tour Dates 2010

It’s been at least five minutes since I posted anything Daniel Kitson-related so here’s a few bits and bobs to feed your bellies with.

Firstly I had a marvellous time at Daniel’s mid-January Late Nights at the Black Box in Melbourne. Given that the shows were clearly labelled as works-in-progress it would be unfair to write a review as such. Were I to do so, Kitson would be perfectly within his rights to come over to my veggie patch and mark me out of ten for my tomatoes and leeks. That said it was a lovely and quietly anarchic night with more of a late night radio show feel than a comedy gig. As well as a run through of a Roald Dahl-esque children’s story about retired ninjas we were also treated to a couple of songs by the Lucksmiths’ Marty Donald which was a nice bonus. A pleasure as always.



Meanwhile, good news for people in England and Scotland as Mr Kitson has released details for an upcoming tour of the remarkable 66a Church Road - A Lament Made of Memories and Kept in Suitcases. The show first appeared at the 2008 Edinburgh Festival and has just done the rounds here in Australia to much acclaim. You can read my review of a Melbourne performance here or just go and see it and then read it later… either or. Just announced UK dates are:

Tron Theatre, Glasgow: April 28 - May 1
Gala Theatre, Durham: May 4
Everyman Theatre, Liverpool: May 6-8
Playhouse, Norwich: May 10-11
The M.A.C, Birmingham: May 17-18
Warwick Arts Centre, Warwick: May 19-21
Crucible Studio, Sheffield: May 22-23
Pavillion Theatre, Brighton: May 24-25
Junction, Cambridge: May 26-27
Tobacco Factory, Bristol: May 28-29
New Players Theatre, London: June 1-13


Tickets cost “as near to £12 as I could get them” and some shows are already on sale – check the link for the venue closest to your (ahem) ‘hood to see. Go see. You won’t regret it.

Finally, good news for anyone who didn’t see Daniel’s acclaimed Edinburgh 2009 show The Interminable Suicide of Gregory Church – he’ll be touring it in America, Australia and the UK from late 2010. More details to follow later in the year… but at least it means he's coming back.

For more Kitson-related Custardry, including Edinburgh Festival dates click here.

Pedals and Pumps

How many people need to do something before it becomes a trend? If you’ll accept two as an answer then please permit me to be the first to announce the latest celebrity trend: people who I like circumnavigating the British Isles under their own steam.

Yes, hot on the (kitten) heels of Eddie Izzard’s still frankly astonishing 43 marathons in 52 days for Sports Relief, Paul Heaton is undertaking a UK tour with a difference; on his bicycle. True to form, the former Beautiful South-er and Housemartin is performing each gig in a different pub where he and his small crew will stay for the night. They will then cycle on to the next gig whilst their equipment goes ahead.

Says Heaton: “I’m looking forward to pedalling around the country to promote cycling and the British pub. Both are very close to my heart. I’ve been cycling all my life and the British pub has provided most of my favourite stop-off points. It saddens me to hear about so many British pubs closing on a weekly basis so I want to do all I can to get people back to their local.”

Dates are still to be announced but details of the Pedals and Pumps tour will be posted on Paul’s just-launched website at paulheatonmusic.co.uk.

Meanwhile in other Housemartins-related news, I’ve only just become aware of this special Subbuteo Edition of London 0 Hull 4. As well as last year’s Deluxe Edition of their debut album the package contains four badges, a 12" x 18" poster and a six inch replica Subbuteo figure in Hull City colours. The downside is they cost 40 quid plus postage and packing. But hey, there are only 1000 in the world … mmmm, limited edition tat I’ve already got and won’t listen to… limited edition… must … have…one…

Anyway, let’s see how far this new trend extends. Look out for Beth Orton going coast to coast on a pogo stick, Daniel Kitson and Vic Reeves racing go-karts between Britain’s finest pie-shops, Gruff Rhys touring National Trust heritage homes on a large goat and Bill Drummond driving around the M25 for 25 hours straight. Oh wait… he already did that…

Gone Gaga

Back in the arse-end of the 20th century my best friend used to bring me along whenever she had to go home to see her family. Initially this was done to deflect attention away from her, especially if she'd done something she might get into trouble for like getting her nose pierced or losing too much weight ('You must be on drugs. Are you on drugs?') However I came to enjoy our little domestic visits and often went along voluntarily for fun and the free sandwiches.

A favourite pastime during such afternoons was discussing celebrities of the day with her Nanna, Frieda. This would involve us naming someone we considered famous and asking her if she knew who they were. Frieda would then give us a brief but often accurate snapshot of the person using information she had distilled from tabloid newspapers and episodes of Richard and Judy. For example Oasis might be reduced to "them Gallagher brothers. Daft. Married to Patsy Kensit. Horrible." Similarly the Prodigy would be simply "him with the stupid hair. Firestarters. Rubbish."

I mention dear Frieda because I realised last weekend that my comeuppance had arrived a few decades early in the form of ubiquitous media pop wunderkind Lady Gaga. Now, I have long given up the idea of even trying to locate the pulse of popular culture, never mind keep my finger on it, but I must admit that even I was surprised to discover that despite her appearance in just about every magazine and newspaper on the planet for the past 18 months, winning several Brit Awards and performing on Saturday Night Live, I know nothing about her at all.

Where once I could have reeled off the names of every Spice Girl and All Saint, the birthdays of Debbie Gibson and Kylie Minogue and every Christmas Number 1 from 1984 onwards, I find myself in the strange position of having never knowingly heard a song by Lady Gaga, never mind knowing her real name or birthday. I can name precisely none of her hits, boyfriends or infamous deeds and, as proof, I will put myself in Frieda's comfortable walking shoes and provide you with sum of what has managed to seep into my head despite my Gaga-vacuum.

• she's a pop star
• she's American (possibly from New York)
• she's blonde (at least, on the outside)
• she's probably not a hermaphrodite even though some people said she was
• she likes a costume, especially one involving masks or hair
• she's "the new Madonna" (c) TM

I understand the argument that perhaps this is all I need to know. However, as someone who prides themselves on pointless retention of pop trivia minutiae I feel like I'm underperforming. I've won too many pints of Guinness, promotional baseball caps and 2 litre bottles of awful red wine at pub quizzes for knowing my Girls Alouds from my Sugababes and my N-Syncs from my Backstreet Boys. Moreover I feel too young to give it up now; especially with the spritely Frieda as my role model tabloid sponge.

So it's back to the reference books and hallowed tomes for me. Despite myself, I have to go Gaga gaga...