O’Brien, Selway, Yorke, Greenwood (yes, both of you), a word in my office if I may. Chop chop. Come in, come in. Sit down all of you. Shut the door will you Yorke. Now… this King of Limbs business. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in you… all of you….
Now now, don’t start with your ‘it’s too early for reviews, it’s a grower, you need to give it a few listens’ rubbish. I’m not interested. Well actually that’s not fair. I am interested. I’m a fan as you know. I’ve had many a wobbly lipped moment standing on windswept winter beaches with my walkman on listening to you chaps and I still spend quiet moments wondering what the Just video is about. No, I haven’t dragged you in here to tell you that King of Limbs isn’t enough like the Bends or that I’d rather it was a bit more Kid A than Amnesiac. If I’m honest, I haven’t even given it a listen yet. I will, of course, but – and this is why I’m mad at you, I’m a bit busy listening to everything else that got released this week.
Oh yes Mr Greenwood, yes there were other things released this week. Many things. Many good things. Things like the Lovely Eggs' splendid new album Cob Dominos. And the rather marvellous Let England Shake by PJ Harvey in which she imagines herself as a song correspondent from World War One and unexpectedly samples Winston ‘Niney’ Holness’ Blood & Fire amongst other party tricks. And then there’s Hotel Shampoo, Gruff Rhys’ long-awaited follow-up to Candylion. Let us not forget that Mr Rhys been quietly going about his business collecting miniature shampoo bottles from hotels for over 15 years in preparation for the launch of his long player. No spur of the moment look-at-me from him. It’s been planned for months. See it’s there, in my calendar. 14 February. Gruff. Next to “Eggs (Lovely)” and “Peej.” I’ve been waiting, you see.
The thing is gentlemen, you are Radiohead. That’s Ra-di-o-head. Yes that one. You are a band who could record the sound of yourselves farting into a bell jar and send the ‘alternative’ press and the blogosphere – whatever the hell that is – into a tizzy with the promise that you’ll stick it on your website for sort-of-free. Look at the knicker-wetting you caused at the Guardian. They ran a live blog about how excited they were about King of Limbs arriving in their inboxes that got more hits than their live coverage of the uprisings in Libya and Bahrain. Pillocks.
You don’t have a record label. You don’t have companies whose financial future depends on your every utterance. You are critically acclaimed and commercially successful millionaires. You can do what you like, when you like. You could release new music on the day World War 3 is announced and people would still be saying ‘have you heard track three? It’s better than Hail to the Thief but not a patch on In Rainbows. Oh-my-god-we’re-all-going-to-die.’
Anyway, my point is, look around you chaps. Spare a thought for others. Don’t you think maybe it would have been nice to see PJ at number one? Or to have radio stations saying that Hotel Shampoo was their album of the week? Or just to have people talking about how ace the Lovely Eggs are and playing their songs on the telly and the wireless? Couldn’t you have released it on Kate ‘n Wills’ wedding day or how about Good Friday? Nothing nice ever happens on Good Friday…
But no, instead you just couldn’t wait could you? Oh civilisation as we know it would have crumbled if you hadn’t gotten your new mini-album – now, now Greenwood, be honest – 8 tracks is not a full album - out into the world. Anyway, the damage is done now and there’s nothing to be done. Just bear it in mind for next time eh? Sorry Yorke, what? There won’t be any more Radiohead albums? Pull the other one mate. Now, get out of my office, you scallywags.’