Saturday, 18 September 2010

The Merchandise Strikes Back

Star Whores Episode 347:
The Merchandise Strikes Back

It is a dark time for Mint Custard. Though reconciled to George Lucas’ relentless commercialisation of everything he once held dear, and having vowed never again to give money to Lucasfilm, he did not count on the thirtieth anniversary of the Empire Strikes Back; his very favourite of all the Star Wars films.

Clearly preying on Custard’s long-standing recurrent dream about discovering dusty boxes of mint condition Star Wars toys in abandoned toy stores and dark attics, the evil Lucas has combined with Kenner to create nostalgia-based merchandise in pursuit of the Custard dollar.

Having evaded wave after wave of Star Wars related tat for many years, the once young and innocent - now just immature and with a steady job - Custard has capitulated under the onslaught of temptation provided by historically accurate and anatomically correct plastic figurines on special at K-Mart.

Sensing victory, the despicable Lucas readies himself for the chance to extract even more cash from his former charge with the release of Return of the Jedi related pish-posh in 2013. Little does he realise the contempt held by Custard for Jabba the Hutt and the Ewoks and that by then Custard will be free of his evil clutches forever…

Some irritatingly beautifully-packaged nostalgia, yesterday.

No comments: