Monday, 30 August 2010

Death by Puppy

So as you may know, Mrs Custard and I have a puppy. His name is Woody and we got him from the RSPCA in February after he was dumped in their overnight bins aged just 7 weeks. So where are the pictures, I hear you type? Well, whilst I'm conscious that putting pictures of an adorably small puppy is a sure way to treble readership and as tempting as the idea of nearly breaking into double figures is, I don't feel I have a right to be exploiting Woody's cuteness for my interweb hits. His privacy will remain his own.

As small and deceptively cute as Woody is, he harbours potential for wanton acts of naughtiness and destruction. In his time with us he has proved himself an adroit sock thief and chewer, destroyed a much loved capsicum plant older than he is and redecorated our back room with a carelessly misplaced kitchen roll. Fortunately for our furniture he chooses to direct most of his attention towards his most treasured possessions, his toys, and it is to those poor souls I'd like to dedicate this post.

For as beloved as his toys are to him, and as much as they have an anthropomorphic life of their own, they do eventually reach a chewy, soggy and bedraggled point where they need to shuffle off to that great puppy toy store in the sky (the dustbin). Pondering on this (and finding it hard to throw things away) it occurred to me that this small corner of the internet might be an ideal place to commemorate those that have served and fallen in the name of puppy teething. So, with that in mind we present part 1 of what is likely to be a regular feature on Mint Custard, Death by Puppy...

Name: Charlie Chicken
Age: 4 months
Nature of Injuries: eyes plucked and ingested, woolen entrails
removed (see above), bottom ripped open
Cause of Death: potentially hazardous stuffing leak

Name: Don (Draper) the Donkey
Age: 3 months
Nature of Injuries: shredded limbs, bottom ripped off
Cause of Death: more hazardous stuffing leakage

Name: Chester the Crab
Age: 6 months
Nature of Injuries: antennae ripped asunder, semi-detached left claw resulting in loss of squeaker
Cause of Death: risk of aforementioned claw as puppy choking hazard

Vale Don, Chester and Charlie. Fare thee well

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