A Fully Trained Actor Reduced to the Status of a Bum

Oh actors, poor loves. They just don’t get enough attention do they? Centrelinked decided to do something about it in Oscar’s week by celebrating anyone who has been name checked in song. There’s more than you think – and that’s just James Dean songs. Names of actors in brackets if not in the title.

What Got Played
• 20th Century Fox Fanfare – London Symphony Orchestra
• Robert de Niro’s Waiting – Bananarama
• Clint Eastwood – Gorillaz
• Jo Jo's Jacket - Steve Malkmus and the Jicks (Yul Brynner)
• Lenny Valentino – the Auteurs (Rudolph Valentino - possibly)
• Scream - The Stuntcar Drivers (Neve Campbell)
• Rattlesnakes – Lloyd Cole and the Commotions (Eve Marie Saint)
• John Wayne is Big Leggy – Hayze Fantayze
• Look at me (I’m Sandra Dee) – Stockard Channing (Sandra Dee, Doris Day, Rock Hudson, Troy Donahue, Elvis)
• The Unknown Stuntman – Lee Majors (too many to mention)
• Purple Underwear (Michael Caine from Get Carter)
• Michael Caine – Madness
• Mohammed Ali and all his friends – the Lovely Eggs (Kirstie Ally)
• Raquel – Neon Neon (Raquel Welch)
• Bruce Lee – Underworld
• Lee Remick – the Go-Betweens
• Fanny Ardant et Moi – Vincent Delerme
• Initials BB – Serge Gainsbourg (Brigitte Bardot)
• Tom Courtney - Yo La Tengo
• Julie Christie - Stephen Duffy
• Grace Kelly Blues – Eels
• Like Dylan in the Movies - Belle and Sebastian (Bob Dylan)
• Marlon JD – Manic Street Preachers (Marlon Brando)
• (He’ll Never Be) An Ol’ Man River – TISM (River Phoenix)

Ran Out of Time (or usurped)
• Tom Baker – Human League (Tom Baker of Dr Who fame)
• Just like Fred Astaire – James
• Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle – Nirvana
• Butterfly McQueen – The Boo Radleys
• I helped Patrick McGoohan Escape - the Times
• I Hate Nerys Hughes – Half Man Half Biscuit
• Kylie's got a Crush on Us – Teenage Fanclub (Kylie Minogue)
• Zombie Zoo – Tom Petty (Boris Karloff)
• Shoot Doris Day – Super Furry Animals
• Michael Douglas - Neon Neon
• The Right Profile – the Clash (Montgomery Clift – post accident)
• Sean Penn Blues – Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
• Clark Gable – The Postal Service
• Celluloid Heroes - The Kinks (Greta Garbo, Rudolph Valentino, Bela Lugosi, Bette Davis, Marilyn Monroe, George Sanders and Mickey Rooney)

Suggestions and Requests
• Bela Lugosi’s Dead – Bauhaus or Nouvelle Vague
• Lee Remick – Hefner
• You Jane – Stephen Cummings (Kris Kristopherson and Genevieve Bujold)
• Frank Sinatra – Cake
• Hackensack – Fountains of Wayne (Christopher Walken)
• Whatever Happened to Corey Haim? – The Thrills
• Winona - Matthew Sweet
• Candle in the Wind and Roy Rogers - Elton John
• Grace Kelly – Mika
• Marlene on the Wall – Suzanne Vega (Marlene Dietrich)
• Halle Berry (She's Fine) - Hurricane Chris
• Bill Murray – Gorillaz
• Crispin Glover - Starling
• Denzel Washington – Charmillionaire
• David Duchovny – Bree
• Kurt Russell – Ultrasound
• Rosanna – Toto (Rosanna Arquette)
• Cary Grant’s Wedding – The Fall
• Shelley Winters - Charles Jenkins and the Zhivagos
• 2 HB – Roxy Music (Humphrey Bogart)
• Keanuville - Rain Perry (Keanu Reeves)
• Madonna, Sean and Me – Sonic Youth (Sean Penn)
• I Want to Do it With Madonna – The Androids
• Bette Davis Eyes – Kim Carnes or Gwyneth Paltrow
• Kung Fu – Ash (Jackie Chan)
• Steve McQueen - Drive by Truckers
• Where Do You Go To MY Lovely - Peter Starstedt (Marlene Dietrich)

James Dean Tribute list
Many thanks to Peta for a glut of James Dean related songs including: James Dean by the Eagles, Movie Star by Harpo, Rock On by David Essex. Jimmy Dean also cops a mention in Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire, Vogue by Madonna, Blue Jeans by Lana del Ray and is the subject of Suede’s Daddy’s Speeding from Dog Man Star… pretty fly for a dead guy.

This week, we’re celebrating International Women’s Day with all-lady bands.

All women mind, no token blokes (I’m looking at you Elastica…)

Centrelinked is on your wireless or streaming live on 98.9 North West FM (http://www.northwestfm.org/) Saturday mornings at 10.30 Melbourne time.

Fright or Flight

The meal was served in plastic, containers wrapped in foil
A special pack contains salt, vinegar and oil
To add to my discomfort, lightning hits the deck.
Down the aisle they venture, pouring cups of tea
To gentlemen of business and ladies of the scene
They crave for the interior as lightning strikes again...
Gruff Rhys, Skylon - Candylion (2007)

Living 10,000 miles away from where I was born, I’ve spent a few hours of my life in aeroplanes. Distracted by the thrill of foreign travel, an endless supply of Hollywood blockbusters and free gin, I had always rather enjoyed criss-crossing the planet amongst the clouds. There was a certain level of surprise then, when I discovered during a recent jaunt around the world that I’ve developed a fear of flying.

For context, I have in the past flown a small plane, been in several helicopters, done a tandem freefall parachute jump, bungeed off a bridge and jumped off a mountain attached to a crazy Frenchman and a hang glider. All of these acts were undertaken with a bit of youthful zest and healthy sense of what-the-hell. And yet, during what could reasonably be called a successful circumnavigation of the globe (I didn’t die in a horrific fireball at 30,000 feet) every safe landing started to feel like an 11^th hour reprieve from the President from some unseen firing squad.

That our journey (eight separate flights with their own individual take-offs, landings and please-pay-attention-sir safety demonstrations) was further coloured by two different volcanic ash clouds, a mid-flight tropical storm that added 8 hours to a 6 hour journey, four constant hours of North American turbulence and a drug-addled Irishman returning from Amsterdam is just extra detail. The rot had set in long before.

It’s probably no coincidence that my fear of flying has developed during a lull in overseas flights. Not having been overseas for almost four years, I had come to associate flying with Jetstar and Tiger Airways, two cheap and cheerless local carriers, the latter of which has now been grounded due to safety concerns. Their joyless no-frills approaches and up-and-down intercity flights had robbed me of any thrills that air travel might once have had. I would spend flights to Sydney mentally drafting dramatic news headlines and radio bulletins about our imminent crash and thinking about who will look after my dog.

Subsequently my levels of in-flight angst are now influenced by two important factors; the size of the plane and the staff-to-Muppet ratio.

It makes no sense that significantly increasing the size of the thing that shouldn’t be in the air in the first place somehow makes it less scary but there’s no denying the bigger the plane, the less is my terror. Take off is smoother, cabins and seats are roomier, TV screens are individualised, drinks are much freer. When planes are big I can adjust my optimism from the opening scene from the Lost pilot to ‘hey, maybe someone will hear that little whistle across the water before the sharks get me…’

As for staff, I used to think that friendly professionalism ranked highest on my list of cabin crew qualities. I now appreciate what I’m really looking for is a door bitch (male or female) who will come down like a prison warden on even the most minor acts of lawlessness. If someone is unbuckling their seatbelt when the light is on, using ‘electronic devices’ during take-off or turning on their mobile phone before we’ve reached the terminal I want them SLAPPED DOWN.

What I don’t want, Ryan Air, is a situation where a crazy walking stereotype of a mentalist is allowed to get on my plane when he has lost his boarding pass (probably used as a roach), who ignores you (the people in charge of all our safety, lest we forget) when you repeatedly tell him to turn his iPod off until YOU give up, who asks people around him “why have we just taken off and landed again?” before we have even reached the runway, and who gets up out of his seat the second the seatbelt sign goes off, leaving his shoes, bag and coat behind and is NEVER SEEN AGAIN FOR THE REST OF THE FLIGHT…

If that does happen, Ryan Air, I would like you to take control of the situation and make us all feel at ease. What I do not want you to do is try and sell me multi-packs of duty-free cigarettes and/or scratch card lottery tickets.

The other cabin crew quality that ranks above professionalism is calmness. Wings could literally be falling off, but if I can see the benign smile of a non-plussed air-steward I’ll always feel much better about the situation. I learned this when our flight from Dublin to New York was interrupted one hour from landing by news that every airport on the eastern seaboard of the US had been closed down due to violent storms.

After an hour looping around Nova Scotia we then headed north to Montreal because (and these are the reassuring words of the Captain) ‘we are running low on fuel’. Although convinced this was leading to the death that I’d been anticipating since leaving Melbourne, and slightly aggrieved that having planned our holiday for so long, we were going to die without even seeing New York, my terror was eased by watching the seemingly unconcerned Irish crew stop working, kick their shoes off and have a bitch about some of the passengers who were less gracious about our situation. I particularly enjoyed seeing one obnoxious passenger being torn a new anus by a small red head for switching on his mobile phone. You can be my wingman anytime, Maverick.

My panic may have been lessened by the crew’s apparent insouciance, but I still spent the rest of the flight wondering how a pilot planning for a 7 hour flight was able to fly a plane after 14 hours at the helm. All mitigating factors aside my presiding in-flight emotion is still uneasy panic rising to hopeless wreck. It may be safer to travel by plane than to catch a bus or whatever that statistic is, but give me the bus any day.

I’m not as bad as some. Such is my friend’s fear of aviation that she refers to planes as ‘flying coffins of death.’ She is incapable of setting foot on a plane unless she has rendered herself comatose with all manner of long lasting little white pills. Another friend has good reason to be afraid of flying after she was involved in a major incident which saw her flight plummet 20,000 feet (that’s almost four miles) for over five minutes. As a keen traveller she has had to literally force herself to get back on the horse using counselling, noise-cancelling headphones, more little white pills and whole heap of scientific and statistical reasoning to counter the fear.

Logic should suggest that if she can get back on a plane then I should stop fannying about, sit back and enjoy the drinks trolley. If only my brain was wired up that way. Instead, the fact that I know someone who has experienced exactly what I fear goes to show that it could happen anywhere, anytime.

For now I’m just grateful my secular prayers were answered. I’m home, back with my feet and all my other bits firmly on the ground and no plans to travel until my Grandma’s 80^th birthday in February next year. If I set off now, walking non-stop I should have those 10,000 miles covered just in time.

Radio Days

O’Brien, Selway, Yorke, Greenwood (yes, both of you), a word in my office if I may. Chop chop. Come in, come in. Sit down all of you. Shut the door will you Yorke. Now… this King of Limbs business. I have to say, I’m a little disappointed in you… all of you….

Now now, don’t start with your ‘it’s too early for reviews, it’s a grower, you need to give it a few listens’ rubbish. I’m not interested. Well actually that’s not fair. I am interested. I’m a fan as you know. I’ve had many a wobbly lipped moment standing on windswept winter beaches with my walkman on listening to you chaps and I still spend quiet moments wondering what the Just video is about. No, I haven’t dragged you in here to tell you that King of Limbs isn’t enough like the Bends or that I’d rather it was a bit more Kid A than Amnesiac. If I’m honest, I haven’t even given it a listen yet. I will, of course, but – and this is why I’m mad at you, I’m a bit busy listening to everything else that got released this week.

Oh yes Mr Greenwood, yes there were other things released this week. Many things. Many good things. Things like the Lovely Eggs' splendid new album Cob Dominos. And the rather marvellous Let England Shake by PJ Harvey in which she imagines herself as a song correspondent from World War One and unexpectedly samples Winston ‘Niney’ Holness’ Blood & Fire amongst other party tricks. And then there’s Hotel Shampoo, Gruff Rhys’ long-awaited follow-up to Candylion. Let us not forget that Mr Rhys been quietly going about his business collecting miniature shampoo bottles from hotels for over 15 years in preparation for the launch of his long player. No spur of the moment look-at-me from him. It’s been planned for months. See it’s there, in my calendar. 14 February. Gruff. Next to “Eggs (Lovely)” and “Peej.” I’ve been waiting, you see.

The thing is gentlemen, you are Radiohead. That’s Ra-di-o-head. Yes that one. You are a band who could record the sound of yourselves farting into a bell jar and send the ‘alternative’ press and the blogosphere – whatever the hell that is – into a tizzy with the promise that you’ll stick it on your website for sort-of-free. Look at the knicker-wetting you caused at the Guardian. They ran a live blog about how excited they were about King of Limbs arriving in their inboxes that got more hits than their live coverage of the uprisings in Libya and Bahrain. Pillocks.

You don’t have a record label. You don’t have companies whose financial future depends on your every utterance. You are critically acclaimed and commercially successful millionaires. You can do what you like, when you like. You could release new music on the day World War 3 is announced and people would still be saying ‘have you heard track three? It’s better than Hail to the Thief but not a patch on In Rainbows. Oh-my-god-we’re-all-going-to-die.’

Anyway, my point is, look around you chaps. Spare a thought for others. Don’t you think maybe it would have been nice to see PJ at number one? Or to have radio stations saying that Hotel Shampoo was their album of the week? Or just to have people talking about how ace the Lovely Eggs are and playing their songs on the telly and the wireless? Couldn’t you have released it on Kate ‘n Wills’ wedding day or how about Good Friday? Nothing nice ever happens on Good Friday…

But no, instead you just couldn’t wait could you? Oh civilisation as we know it would have crumbled if you hadn’t gotten your new mini-album – now, now Greenwood, be honest – 8 tracks is not a full album - out into the world. Anyway, the damage is done now and there’s nothing to be done. Just bear it in mind for next time eh? Sorry Yorke, what? There won’t be any more Radiohead albums? Pull the other one mate. Now, get out of my office, you scallywags.’